For two whole weeks, TWO, we walked on cloud nine. Mind you, I was only a few weeks at this point. We walked into the doctors’ office, hand in hand, ready to see the evidence of our baby. The nurses and staff were all congratulating us and we prepped for the doctor. Tall and stately, the doctor came in, wanting to smile wide, but maintaining his composure. He knew he assisted with another miracle, yet didn’t want to come across as pretentious. I laid back for the transvaginal ultrasound, the lights went out, David to my left side holding my hand...and the room was deafly quiet. The doctor doesn’t speak much during evaluations, so I didn’t push… I just stared at the ceiling because I cannot see the machine. I remember hearing a lot of clicking, but I couldn’t tell if it was the mouse, or typing. The silence was so loud that a brief moment of fear began to seep in… was there something wrong? They removed the instrument, and turned the lights on as I sat up. This time, the doctor’s face was blush, like a spring rose. I immediately asked, “Is everything okay?”. David sat puzzled, I knew he could see the screen, but maybe he was just in deep thought. The nurse moved across the room from the doctor to David’s side, and put her hand on his shoulder. My heart began to sink when the doctor said these words… “There’s four.”. Silence. “There are four babies”. I immediately began to laugh in disbelief. David’s face turned red, like a lobster and sat in silence.
Now let’s rewind for a second. I know what you’re thinking… huh? How did she get four babies? Infertility treatment involves intervention with drugs and medical procedures. Our particular treatment involved drugs by way of pills and injections administered at home. Remember in my first post, “Where do I start”, where I briefly explained intrauterine insemination (IUI), fertility drugs and the risk of multiples that come along with it? Well these drugs help your body prepare eggs for ovulation (release) at the time of the menstrual cycle. That is if they are not fertilized by sperm before the lining of your uterus sheds. My fertility drugs helped me prepare 4 quality eggs for ovulation. Four seems like a lot, however, that does not mean that at the time of the IUI all 4 would be fertilized. We have a small chance of fertilizing one, just like any other couple. It’s all science. There are couples who have 3-4 quality eggs waiting inside of the woman’s uterus and none are fertilized during the IUI procedure. And they do this multiple times, so it’s all science, odds, and God’s grace in my opinion. We fertilized ALL FOUR of those eggs (so we thought), and that’s where we were at that first ultrasound.
Fast forward back to our ultrasound. The doctors next words were, “I knew you were responding well to the treatment, but I didn’t think you would respond this well.” David had remained silent, and finally spoke after this comment. He was shocked, as I was. I chuckled and just said that we were grateful for this blessing and this must have been God’s will. But four babies, I was still trying to process it all. We were given the option of selective reduction, and they encouraged us to think about it and not make any decisions at that time. So with this news in hand, we left the office in complete shock, and sent back out to the world to process what just took place. We walked out, left the parking lot, and David pulled us over to a quiet and secluded lot for us to speak in private. I cannot remember what was said, how it was said, or anything. But I do recall lots of tears, prayer, silence, reasoning, tears, and more prayer. God had truly answered our prayers, and he answered in a MIGHTY way! We we’re carrying quadruplets!
In the months leading up to our pregnancy, we knew something big was coming. The Lord had spoken to both of our hearts and we knew we were in the midst of the blessing we had been praying for. When? How? Those were questions I asked myself a thousand times. My daily affirmations included scripture reminding me of what the bible says about faith, increase, and never giving up. I needed those reminders daily, and I had to remain prayerful to keep myself from drifting into sadness and doubt. You can literally make yourself sick and that was not where I wanted to be. In the days leading up to our IUI procedure, I took a variety of drugs at the direction of my doctor. The day before the procedure, I was surrounded by a home of family/friends all praying with and for us, and wishing us success. I remained calm, hopeful and positive. This was our time and our year. The procedure went on without a hitch and all we could do was wait. What’s 2 weeks when we’ve been waiting years? And who are we to rush God when he is working his miracle? The signs were everywhere… words from friends/family, dreams, and peace that I felt in my heart. THIS was IT. Results morning, and I went in for my test. I was good at not testing at home in the days leading up to our results. I even gave David all of my home pregnancy tests and made him swear to hide them from me! I completed the blood test and went to work. The plan was that the lab would call the doctor with the results and the nurse would call me with the news. I prepared myself for good or bad. Would I cry? Would I fall on my knees and thank God for his blessings? Would I leave early for the day and go home? And if the news wasn’t favorable, I planned to suck it up and prepare for the next cycle, because God wasn’t finished with us yet. Our miracle was coming.
Hours passed… I called the doctor's office and left a voice message. I even called the lab, and checked my online Labcorp account. Unfortunately the lab doesn’t release the results online until the doctor has reviewed them, first. So I had to wait. David even called me wondering what was up, and I expressed my frustration that we hadn’t heard anything yet. It was past noon and we needed to know, now! Lol, patient Monet had exited the building. David said give me the number, I’ll call them myself. He had a vacation day and was home relaxing, so I can only imagine how his mind raced with anticipation. A short while later he told me he was running over to his grandma’s house but needed me to sign an important document for some business we were handling in Charlotte. I had a brief break between meetings so agreed to meet him at the front of the school. He pulled up and began to get out of the truck. I thought to myself, what in the world is he doing? Why is he getting out? Doesn’t he know I need to sign these documents and get back into the school? He walks up to me, kisses me and interrupts me mid sentence. He smiles and says… “Christa (the doctor's nurse) called. We’re pregnant.” Rewind, rewind, rewind… what did he just say?! I was in shock, I threw my hands up to the sky and I wrapped my arms around David in the biggest embrace and kiss. I then stumbled on my words, gasped, inhaled, exhaled deeply, my mind was racing… I remember asking him to repeat what he said and tell me what happened? How did he know? When did they call him? I wanted EVERY detail, fact, and I wanted to feel like I was there when it all took place. He explained that he was on his way to his grandparents’ home, when the doctors office called him back. They did receive my earlier message, but just called David back because he was the last to call. My test results came in, and the blood work showed a positive pregnancy. After many congratulations, she also stated that my levels were pretty high, possibly indicating a girl, and they wanted me to come in on that following Monday to confirm via ultrasound. I think I hugged and kissed David a thousand times that day, but I didn’t shed a tear. I was just happy, elated and my heart was so full. I was not dreaming, this is really happening. We then each reached for our phones and agreed to call our parents then and there. He dialed his mother and I dialed my father. I could barely get my words out, I know my voice was 3 octaves higher than normal. Keep in mind, we are still out front of the school during all of this. A school that has front security cameras and I really don’t know what the office staff was thinking. They probably thought we just won the lottery, which we did… we’re so rich in blessings and in that moment we knew God remembered us. He answered our prayers!
I walked back in that school on cloud nine. I was also shaking, I couldn’t keep calm. I called my cousin, who had been on pins and needles all day and shared the news. I had to keep a low and calm voice, but I wanted to scream. We called our closest family and friends to share the news… I mean after all, going through a journey of this magnitude is not something you go through alone. We had an arsenal of praying and hopeful family and friends in our circle who had been praying with and for us for years. And on that day, we all celebrated a victory unlike anything we’ve ever imagined. It wasn’t a matter of IF this could happen, but WHEN this would happen, and we were so proud to share. I never cried that day, in fact, my heart was so full that all I could do was smile. I’m sure I was beaming and I know my walk had a little pep in it. All the while God spoke to me and said, see? I told you I had it all worked out. And he surely did. Years and years of praying could not prepare me for this feeling. Bliss. Elation. Humbleness. God remembered us, hallelujah!
I know what you're thinking... That's it? Thats the whole story? I could literally write a novel about my PCOS journey. But that is not what this blog is about. It's to journal our experiences with our 3 little miracles. I can tell you this...During our journey of infertility, it felt so taboo. Like, I'm a black woman! Black women don't suffer from infertility! But the statistics were staggering. 1 in 4 couples will experience some type of infertility. And it's not usually a "problem" until after a year or longer of trying for a baby unassisted. During this journey I learned that a myriad of black women and women in general were plagued with infertility just like me. Whether it was PCOS, fibroids or unexplained. I was not alone. BUT, it was difficult to find others like me because no one spoke of it, like me! And the depression that comes along with trying to start a family was embarrassing. Here I was, this seemingly strong woman, and I was hurting so bad. The battle-field of the mind is real. Am I sick? Will my husband leave me? What if I can never give him a child, will he resent me forever? How do I face my friends and family who are multiplying day by day? How do I keep a smile on my face at every pregnancy announcement after announcement? At every baby shower? I was losing myself. And my faith, I had it, but I was letting go. After all of these years, I couldn't give up. But after all of those years, it seemed as though faith was all we had. So I held my head up, I smiled, and very few knew of this "thing" that made my heart ache.
In case you're wondering, no, I didn't go to counseling. My husband is my counselor and my rock. He has an innate gift. But for others that may be the best option, you don't want to go down that road of depression. I truly flirted with that line and David pulled me back every time. If you ever feel like you've crossed it, then I definitely would seek help.
I will never forget that time and all I went through. It's by the grace of God that I am able to write in this blog today and tell some of my story. It's funny, as time went on, I would meet people and I began to tell who was going through infertility like me. Maybe it was something they said, how they said it, or a look in their eye when a family walked in. And in those moments, I would come out of my shell and drop off a nugget to imply that I'm going through the same thing. And man, the flood gates that would open!! I would leave with an instant friend, and someone else praying for me, and someone else for me to pray for. And I did. Because we both understood each other and where we've been. Every story so different, yet still the same. Some I've kept in touch with because we're connected in some way (work or socially). Others I am not, but I'll never forget them and I pray their situation has changed. So, is it taboo to talk about infertility? No. But you can't talk about it until you're ready.